My mind is all over the place today. It has been like this for a few days. It all started when I realized that September is rolling in like a freight train, and I am waffling between panicking and trying to get organized, and trying to kick back and enjoy what’s left of our summer freedom. September packs an extra punch this year because I am going back to work (from my home office, but work, nonetheless). The decision-making process that brought me to this point is a whole other story, but basically it comes down to wanting more freedom (aka: a ski day for Mom), so money needed to be made. Funny, you have to give up freedom to get freedom. I don’t need a lot of money, just enough to get me on the slopes for a good ski once in a while. Maybe enough for an apres ski cocktail with my new ski friends, which I don’t really want to make, because when I go skiing, I just want to be ALONE…
See what I mean? All. Over. The. Place.
I called one of my besties today to inform her that “I hated my husband, not really deep-down, but surface-y”. After we had a brief discussion about surface-y not being a word, she asked me why I was feeling this way. My reply was I didn’t know. Except I do know. I am currently going through a phase where I am blaming him for “the losing of me”. Last week I was blaming the kids. This week it’s his fault.
Someone made me lose me.
And I know it’s not the dog’s fault.
Knowing that his head had a giant target pinned to it, my husband (who deep-down I really love with all my heart), suggested that I get out for a little “alone time” this morning. So I grabbed my purse, and ran out the front door into the sweet silence.
Me time. That means time with “me”. But “me” couldn’t be found anywhere.
I looked for me in the forest. Not there.
I looked for me at the market. Not there either.
I looked for me between the lavender in the garden centre. It smelled like me, but I wasn’t there.
I looked for me at the bottom of an americano. Saw glimpses of me…coffee always helps…but then me was gone.
I would have looked for me at the horse stables, but me knows that we can’t afford that right now.
Picked up my Bible looking for me. Because really, it’s not about me anyway. Should have read it. But I just sat with it on my lap staring out the window of my mini-van (Maybe I’ll blame the mini-van next week).
Then I figured it out…
August is to blame. The dreaded month.
It’s August. And I am going back to work. And my kids are going into Grade 1 and 3. And I haven’t canned any fruit. And I don’t know who’s hockey equipment fits. And I haven’t purchased school supplies yet. And…
And August really sucks. My Mom and Dad both died within days of each other (but ten years apart) at the end of August. August stinks.
And now my brother’s 15 year old labrador retriever is dying. I know, he’s a dog, and he’s old. But he’s my brother’s baby. It’s awful. And, of course, it just had to be August.
It’s August and I didn’t get out to the family cottage this summer. And I love it there. And I am afraid that my siblings and I won’t find a happy arrangement regarding this legacy we share and someday soon, an August will come when I won’t have a cottage to miss anymore.
Oh September. Just come, and save me from August. September won’t give me time to ponder the “loss of me”. September, with its burst of Fall colours and its cool, mind-clearing air will remind me to get my summer-hazed, sun-drenched head out of my arse.
And bake some pumpkin muffins for pete’s sake!
My sweaters will feel like hugs that seem to come less frequently from the boys in my life. My role as “social-convener/house-cleaner/hockey-practice-attender/skate tie-er/laundry do-er/baker/cook/writer/fishing lure tie-er/and field-trip driver will remind me of where “me” went.
September will remind me that “me” was never lost. Me was just having an end-of-summer pity party. A crescendo of a season spent searching.
I am here. I am busy. I am valuable. I am valued. I am important. I am integral. I am seen. I am right where I should be. I am where I wanted to be. I am where God led me. I am loved. I am a little crazy. I am passionate. I am smart. I am strong.
There’s me. Waiting in September.
Stay cool Mamas! Enjoy the rest of your summer and check out the cool baby styles at www.sillysouls.com