Ho’okipa in your Meshies

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Before I became a Mom, I read a lot about getting pregnant, pregnancy, and childbirth.  After I had my babies, I read tens of thousands of books on parenting (ok, maybe just ten).  I still seek out helpful articles whenever and wherever I can, because, this is hard, and these kids don’t come with a manual. You would think that in all of this research, there would be no stone left unturned, no tidbit of knowledge that still needed to be shared. But there are things to know that aren’t in any book I’ve read so far. So, here are my top seven things that I think need to be added to the resource books…or at least shared with my friends:

As a woman ages, and approaches menopause,  when she ovulates, more than one egg will be waiting for the “sperm bus” to come along.  It’s like our ovaries are panicking that their ship(sperm) has sailed, and they are all fighting for their last chance at glory.  THIS MEANS, IF YOU ARE TRYING TO GET PREGNANT AND ARE PUSHING 40, THERE IS A GREATER CHANCE THAT YOU WILL NATURALLY CONCEIVE MULTIPLES!  They should put this in a pamphlet, and on the sides of city buses, and billboards, and the jumbo-tron at sports events.  I don’t know the exact science behind this, but my obstetrician mentioned that “it is quite common” in older women.  This, AFTER I found out I was pregnant with the twins (at the ripe old age of 36).  I am blessed.

Ok, sorry, this next one is a little disturbing. WHEN YOU ARE PREGNANT, THE INCREASE IN HORMONES CAN CAUSE CERTAIN “DOWN THERES” TO SWELL.  IT’S NOT PERMANENT, BUT IT DOESN”T GO AWAY FAST.  AND IF YOU ARE PREGNANT WITH MULTIPLES, THE EXTRA HORMONES = SWELL LIKE NORTH-SHORE-OF MAUI-SIZE SWELL. Ho’okipa in your privates ladies. (side note: DO NOT talk about this at barbecues…trust me. Unless you want people to go home early.)

NOT ALL POST-PARTEM NURSES THINK THAT YOUR SITUATION IS THE MOST IMPORTANT.  YOUR BABY IS YOUR LIFE-CHANGING MOMENT, NOT THEIRS.  They are just there to do their job. Consider yourself lucky if you get one that genuinely seems excited for you. In fact, this applies to everyone in your life except your spouse.  Don’t expect a parade of excitement everywhere you go with your new baby.  To be safe, expect the opposite.

THE MESH UNDIES YOU GET FROM THE HOSPITAL…ARE LIKE GOLD.  GET YOUR SPOUSE TO FIND THE SUPPLY ROOM AND GRAB A STACK OF THOSE.  THEY ARE A HEALING MAMA’S BEST SECRET.  And you can use them for fruit shopping bags at the market later on!

When you leave the hospital after having a baby, BE PREPARED TO BE ASKED THIS QUESTION: WHEN IS THAT BABY COMING OUT??  Unless, of course, you did 200 crunches every night of your pregnancy.  I got it from a neighbour after my first birth, and then the parking-lot attendant at the hospital after the twins.  Both times  I was asked this question, it caused me to snot-cry. You know what I mean?  When you cry so hard snot runs down your face?

THOSE “SQUEEKY SHOES” that all new parents think are so cute to put on their toddlers…DON’T DO IT!  PEOPLE WILL WANT TO STAB YOU FOR PUTTING THEM ON YOUR CHILD.  Really, they may even smile and mumble something about your kid being “so sweet”, but that’s not what they are thinking.

And last but not least, you said you’d NEVER wear them, but there comes a time (unless you do 200 crunches/day) when jeans that have a waist-band that fastens ABOVE (or at least near) your belly button will suddenly  become your friend.  Don’t fret.  The old “Mom-Jeans” that send a shudder up our cool-Mama spines are long-gone.  It’s possible to cover your post-baby bulge AND still look hip.  Kind of.

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After you finish your 200 crunches, check out Silly Mama’s favourite baby apparel for cool little boys and girls at www.sillysouls.com

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