This morning I fully expected my neighbour to call the police. I was cooking french toast (yes, really…I know…awesome Mom). I had the windows in the kitchen and bedrooms open to let fresh air in. It was 6:54 AM. The neighbour was taking his garbage out, and looked up at our house, shocked, as he heard the (impeccably timed) terrifying screams of children coming from my house:
YOU STABBED ME IN THE THROAT!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I CAN”T BREATH!!!! I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!! (followed by slamming doors, crying and more screaming)
Yep. French toast, garbage out, alleged attempted murder, school.
Normal morning at our house.
Stop, stop, stop…no judging allowed. Work with me here. Of course, we do not condone hitting or violent behaviour in our house. I don’t let my kids watch violent TV. And no, they don’t play any video games with weapons in them. Except Lego Star Wars …but um, it’s LEGO. Stop. No judging. They are boys. If you have boys, you’ll get it. The more boys you have, the more you will get it. If you don’t have any boys, I bet your walls are very clean.
So, as I confiscated the “assault” weapon, and served up french toast to both the recovered victim (who miraculously didn’t even have a mark on him), and his brothers, I imagined the conversation with the police…
“Yes officer, those three boys were all watching Kids CBC this morning, when the boy in the Batman jammies allegedly stabbed the 7-year old (the one in the hockey underwear) with a piece of driftwood from his Mom’s driftwood collection. Luckily, the end was blunt. And yes, the kid with the missing front teeth (who has asked for a jack-knife for his 8th birthday…egads!) did utter threats to 5-year-old Batman.
No officer, I have no idea who these tiny angry people are. But while you are here, I would like to file a “missing persons” report.
You see, we have lost our three little boys who we love very much, and have worked so hard to raise to be good, kind, and loving people.
Well, they are very clean, sweet little boys, who love their brothers and friends so much that they would NEVER be mean. They also never say bad words, and (really) know that words like kill, murder, hate and stupid are very serious words that should not be thrown around. My three missing boys? Tidy hair, no food on their faces, no holes in the knees of their jeans. The sleeves of their shirts will be clean, because they never use them to wipe their noses.
You might find them huddled in a group hug (they do this a lot). Or praying for one another (often they pray when they are frustrated instead of hitting or yelling at each other).
If you see a boy eating ants, peeing in a tree, or chasing the neighbours cat, keep looking, because those aren’t mine.”
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